Still here, and sick again.
Greetings friends. Forgive the prolonged silence here. And the unecessarily shocking headline. The illness at present is not nearly as serious as cancer or crohns, but in the present, it is no less taxing. And so I write now merely to ask for prayer, for we are feeling the absence of intercession these days (if only in the details).
There is no doubt much good to say, much news to tell, but I haven’t the energy now nor the clarity of thought to tell it. I did a few weeks ago, during which I spent parts of ten days piecing together a two page update creatively detailing the major stories of these past three months. But then, before I got a chance to post it, I lost it. Stuck in dismay over a good work gone, I haven’t been able to try my hands at it again, until today. Today is just too much.
But first, the few paragraphs I had backed up before my computer crashed…
My heart aches with gratitude. A weight of abundant blessing hangs heavy on my heart. Like an anchor, not a plow. Not a burden, but a mooring, a point of reference. A launch pad, perhaps. Or the bottom end of a kite string, firmly held, so that instead of being blown away, this kite rises higher with each blast of wind.
God, thank you for gratitude. Thank you for nurturing gratitude, for feeding it, for creating the context for it to flourish naturally. Almost effortlessly. How refreshing. How contrary to the gratitude hard won by faith these past years - that posture of praise that is one part reaction and three parts will. How grateful I am for this gratitude you’ve put so deep within me, anchoring the lighter, more visible, wind-catching aspects of my being.
Thank you for the steady hand of gratitude holding the other end of this kite’s string. And because of it, I am not blowing away, but rising again. In this wind.
Christmas this year was pleasant, rich, peaceful… almost enchanting.
It didn’t have to be. Sick kids. Sick us. Has hardly been a day since early December that one of us hasn’t been sick. Head colds. Respiratory infections. Stomach flu. Ear infections. I took my annual trip to ER in an ambulance a few days after Christmas. And spent my first night up on the eighth floor at Regions since January 2006.
And there’s the looming financial uncertainty. In the nation’s economy and our family’s bank account. Shrinking reservoir. The calendar year for our health insurance turned over early December, so we started over on our out of pocket expenses again. One trip to the pharmacy for five medicines cost $600, another $500. Good news is, add that to the trip to ER, and we’ve probably met our deductible for the year.
So Christmas didn’t have to be good, but it was. Like the feasts and festivals the LORD gave the ancient Hebrews. Like the year of Jubilee when debts were cancelled and slaves released. We gave been cared for this Christmas in ways practical and abundant. We were able to buy gifts without impeding budget boundaries. We were able to give generously. I can’t tell you what good that has done for our hearts - for my heart specifically - to be able to turn from a primary function of consumption to contribution. To be able to give.
So that’s the bigger story context for this lament and plea for prayer.
We truly had a wonderful December. Three solid months, actually, of me on steroids. And it was good. Productive. Hopeful. Manageable. It really felt like the beginning of something new, something kind of like me (and Jen and me) before all of this broken body stuff. I was doing stuff, and dreaming, and capably caring for my family. But, little by little, since midnight on the 26th of December (when Jen first got sick, and I dropped into the final descent of my taper off prednisone), the colors began to fade.
The pain has come back. I’m weaker in my hands and wrists than I remember being before. I’m clumsy. I drop stuff. Keyboards hurt. Computer and piano. I’m discouraged, really. A guy has a hard time hoping when he can’t do stuff.
Then I got sick. Then Ade, and Eli, and then Jen again. Right now, all four of us are sick with something, each of us racked with a different variation of a malicious bug. And then really, who takes care of whom? We’re managing, with family nearby (Jen’s dad, Bruce, has been here four days this week), but not well. And the frustration is going deep, as well as the subversion of hope. When will things change? And how?
May, maybe. When baby Erickson number three makes his home here. We learned a month back that the bun in the oven is a boy. Good news in many ways, as we were told we’d unlikely be able to have kids again. So that’s great! But how are we going to do this? Really. I’ve got more questions now than answers. More problems than solutions. And it is such a sharp contrast to the inertia of hope I felt so deeply just weeks ago.
So we’ve got troubles on the outside (being sick, mostly, and in pain), and troubles on the inside (discouraged, depressed maybe?). Those of you who are still checking this blog regularly are probably those of you who pray. I trust you’ll know what to do with this. I’d write more of gratitude and momentum and hope and faith if I could (and there would be much to write), but I can’t. My wrists hurt, and I’m tired. And I think number two just woke from his third nap today.
Unpoetically grateful and hopeful (while shamefully despairing),
I am still…
His,
Jeremy
Jeremy - it is so good to hear news from you. I do check your website often. I still hope that someday, some way you will be able to come and speak at our church in Southern Wisconsin. I know that the kids would LOVE it! You are such an inspiration to those who know you and to those who don’t. God is so good. He will take care of you and he will provide for you and your family. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. God is your strength Jeremy! Thank you for your courage & faith.
Terri from Argyle, WI
Comment by Terri Makos — January 30, 2008 @ 5:33 pm
Were here Jeremy,
There is not a day I do not check. I get anxious and want to hear your prayer needs. God teaches me patience through not hearing.But the prayers go up daily.
This is so discouraging to hear of your trials. But once again you tell us what we need to hear not what we WANT To hear.
God is good………..I think we are all frustrated without answers. When you are weak though we MUST be strong.I am passing your prayer requests on. Thank you for reaching out when you are so weak. Always giving when you think you are not. I cannot tell you the life lessons you have taught me…………walk on ….
Gods blessings on you and yours
Pam
Comment by Pam — January 30, 2008 @ 9:27 pm
dearest jeremy-
how i ache after reading your update. i don’t dwell much on feelings, yet this update is very upsetting to me. my friend, the day is again grey and might stay that way with fearful sounds and sights to come. try to keep soaring higher above these clouds that are trying to consume your hope. imagine yourself rising above to see the GLORY that will come from this stretch of grey. HE would not have chosen you, if HE did not know your strength and faith in HIM. lean harder, depend on HIM greater, watch eagerly and know you are not out of HIS hold. you haven’t been left, brother. may every prayer spoken for you and your family be gusts of wind taking you high above this so you may see HIS GLORY. i feel your downcast heart. even now, look up and wait for HIM to reveal HIS will. i wish i had more encouraging words for you- i have hope that all the prayers spoken on your behalf with be like sweet incense rising to the throne room.
Comment by heather — February 1, 2008 @ 10:47 am
Jermy,
You all are in my prayers. I’m so sorry for the struggles you’ve been going through but know that God is there with you through it all. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Paul’s words are still powerful today as they were way back when he wrote them.
God bless,
LeAnne
Comment by LeAnne — February 1, 2008 @ 11:21 am
Jeremy,
For some reason you popped into my head tonight. Don’t know why. It’s probably been a couple of years since I’ve even thought to drop by your sight and see how you were doing…in life…with the cancer. I think maybe God brought me to this spot tonight, though. I was thinking about that first ice storm in the fall of ‘95 and how we went out, driving around and taking pictures of the sunlight shining on a crystal new world. It was freezing and achingly beautiful that day. So I am praying for you tonight that, in the middle of this winter chill you and your family are experiencing, God will shine some sunlight on the ice and give you a little beauty and grace to get you through the cold discouragement. I am all too familiar with it, though praise God, it has been awhile since I sat in the depths of my despair! Anyhow…you and your family are most definitely in my prayers! God bless you and keep you!
From an one old bible school friend to another:)
-Robyn Craig
Comment by Robyn Craig — February 3, 2008 @ 6:20 am
First of all, congrats on Baby #3!
Praying that you all will know better health and good rest soon Jeremy.
I check in daily to see how to pray.
Sarah
Comment by Sarah — February 4, 2008 @ 12:00 pm
Jeremy and Family-
You all are in my prayers. I lift you up and ask that God heals you-mind, body and soul!
Congrats on baby boy #3!
God Bless
Comment by Alicia Wynn — February 7, 2008 @ 1:21 pm
I check the website often and pray for you four (soon to be five!) often.Congrats to you and Jen!
You continue to inspire me by your perseverence and consistency of praising the Lord in all things. You and Jen are an encouragement to me in so many ways. I will pray for healing for your entire family and renewed energy in the days to come.
I will also begin to pray for your new little one growing in Jen. Praise God for the blessings He bestows on us by giving us children!
Comment by Marissa — February 11, 2008 @ 10:56 am
So glad to see you in church again and see your family getting healthy! God is good! Even though you still hurt and don’t feel hopeful, God is right there in the midst of all of it — the sickness, the disappointments and heartaches, the questions, the finances (or lack thereof), the future. He’s still the King and He cares about His “kids”, the Ericksons. You’re His valentines!
Comment by Mavis — February 13, 2008 @ 12:43 pm
Plenty of prayers coming your way…always have been, but this is the first time I’ve put it here. No possible way for me to understand your suffering, but am so grateful for your willingness to continue to write about it. Much peace and comfort comes to me as I read your “musings” and know that your life is touching so many who are beyond your physical reach but are in your spiritual grasp. May God bless you and your family and all who care for and love you as you continue on this most arduous journey. Peace to you, my friend!
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Comment by Nancy — February 18, 2008 @ 2:16 pm
we have been praying for you for years and i guess i just feel now is the time to tell you! you have been an encouragement in so many ways and you have been used by God so amazingly. we can’t even begin to relate to everything you and your adorable family have been through, but we are praying. Thank you for your faith and ministry!
Comment by rachel and sam menge — March 19, 2008 @ 10:59 pm
A VERY blessed Easter to you and yours Jeremy.
Comment by Pam — March 22, 2008 @ 10:23 pm