Now that I'm on the Road again, I've let my guard down.  Start feeling lonely and sorry for myself and all that.  Funny thing is, Satan tricks me into feeling "used" by God.  Like one would use a disposable rag or an ink pen.  When He's done, He just lets me sit - throws me away, if you will.  But He doesn't - and I know that - but I start feeling that way when I don't remind myself (or am not reminded) that I'm His kid - and that's what He digs the most!  Without that truth, I feel I'm on the bum end of the deal.

So I pray for restoration today, as last night was a bum night here on my own.

Today - this morning actually - I'll be driving through Glenwood Canyon.  Remember that place?  Where I busted the styro-foam airplane on somebody's head?  Yeah, I wish I could forget.  Anyway, I really ought to go.

Had a good time down in Tucson!  Took lots of pictures for you, and can't wait to tell you all about it!

REALLY enjoying Phoenix too!

I like palm trees.

Staying with some great guys, but kinda missing Bob and Judy already!  Weird, huh?

Will be hooking up with Laurie in Washington too - talked with her Sunday night! 

Had another great talk with Patrick on Monday.  I love that guy!

By the way, I love the boots and the socks!  Wore them a BUNCH in Colorado!  Great gifts!  Thank you!

Pray for my time in Phoenix - I am where I ought to be.

I love life on the Road...

I find this time of travelling is a time for me to seek God in a new way...  Alot of time to do it too!  He's guiding me into what's next, and teaching me along the way.  It's exciting and monotonous all at the same time.  I look forward to returning to the Midwest in April - not so much because I wish I was there instead of here, but that I believe I'll be a richer person when I do - spiritually speaking and otherwise…

This morning went well.  The pastor specified before the service that this was a "free-bee" (I wouldn't be paid.)  At first I was kind of irked, having not done a paying gig all week, then I remembered God's promise to take care of me, so I did the best I could.  Besides selling ten CDs, two members of the congregation gave me $100 a piece.  Then I sang tonight after a Superbowl party on the north end of town for a different church.  I suppose I sold another 8 there.

Have an AM appointment with a pastor from a large congregation in town - regarding the next time I come through - haven't met him, don't know him, don't know the church even - just a shot in the dark.  You could pray for me about noon.  Then tomorrow night, I'm singing at a folk bar in Phoenix.  I've sang in three coffee shops this week, and met a guy Saturday night who hooked me up with this folk bar.  People down here seem to like my music.  I'm singing Psalm 13 in the shops and they listen!  Can't wait for tomorrow night…

I wish I had all night to write... it's so beautiful out here!  It's a peaceful evening.  Not a whole lot of city-lights, and the stars can be seen hanging out in the 55 degree Arizona night sky.  Bob & Judy have a neat little "screened-in" porch - not with screens – but with a bunch of those reed-blind sort of things.  It's 9:30 here, and I ought to be in bed by 10.  Had a good chat with Ben on the phone tonight while walking laps around their backyard pool.

Sang also for a struggling church in Tucson.  They're without a pastor right now.  I gave them the message Sunday morning and hung out with all the families in the afternoon.  Was richly blessed - mutually so.

Now I'm in California, and I just marvel at how God brings opportunities my way.  Each day unfolds with an exciting new opportunity, and God seems to be hand picking every one for a specific purpose - both in my life, and in the lives of those I've ministered to.

I find very little time to spend on this thing for the amount of writing I need to do.  It's been a good trip, though!  Most of the trip unfolds as I go - day by day, city by city.  I spent ten days in Phoenix, having scheduled only one concert before getting there.  By the time I packed up to leave I had performed at 3 coffee shops, one songwriter's showcase, one youth group, a church, and a bar.  It's been good watching God lay out the days for me the way He has.  I'll be sending out a newsletter on e-mail soon with some of the detailed stories.  But let me say again, it's been really good.

I'm thankful for these days in San Diego.  I went sailing on Saturday - for the first time - and since then, it's been rather cloudy.  I have alot of work to do (scheduling further up the coast - as well as my April/May trip back through Illinois) so I've been grateful not to have been tempted daily by the beaches just 20 minutes away.  I'm staying with the parents of a good friend of mine from Bible School.  He still lives out here, but has his own apartment.  Another friend, also from the school, has his family out here (wife and two girls) while he finishes up his last year with the Navy Seals.  The three of us try to spend some time together here and there - go out on the town, down to the beach and stuff - but the week's been relatively uneventful thus far.  I did a concert for a new church here Sunday night, and I'll be singing tonight for a rather large congregation here in El Cajon, then heading north for a few days in Oceanside.  I must admit, I don't mind California, but I'm missing the Midwest.

I may have some stories to share when I get back, but the thing is, I find each new place is almost like a different life.  Good friends seem distant, great memories and lessons learned just weeks ago are very much a part of the past - until I pass through the area where I made those memories once again.  It's strange.  I consider the rightness or wrongness of the matter from time to time, and have concluded that it's just the way things are for now - the way I need to be to do what God has placed before me in this season of my life.  I'm allowed to be mobile and given to the place God has given me to.  To be a part of what He's already doing wherever I go.  Does that make sense?

It's an exciting life - all the travelling, the new people, the ever-changing landscape - but I find even in the midst of all the change there is the mundane.  The "everyday life" doesn't evade me here.  It's still very much a part of living.  But I love the beauty.  Utah was probably the best so far, and I was there only for a day!  (Met a guy named Catfish, too.)  I saw the Grand Canyon, but it was cold there and I was eager to get to warmer weather.  The desert blessed me, but I missed the green.  The Colorado Rockies were huge!  (And I probably would've enjoyed them most, but I tried snowboarding on terrain far out of my league.  Fell bunches.  Kinda ruined the fun.)  On the Mexican border in Arizona I spent a day with people I love - little people - Mexican children so blessed by life they have such a way of blessing life back.  And further north the night sky in Tucson was enhanced by the fresh lemon I stirred into my iced tea.  It's been good - very good - and kind of fun being sunburned in the middle of February!

And I learn lots.  I almost feel like I'm at school again!  Only the lessons learned are lessons for the heart, and the assignments demand a changed life.  So I wait on God to do the changing, and on His Spirit to give me the desire to be changed, daily.  His Word has been a blessing - as it often is - and I'm studying a book called "The God Chasers" by Tommy Tenney.  I'm guessing you may have heard of it.  I read it slowly, giving time for the lessons to sink in and be made real in my life.

Stopped in Tucson and Nogales along the way.  Hung out with some entertaining Mexican children down along the border, and have spent a great deal of time trying to figure out what I'm doing further up the coast!  Most of the trip's unfolding as I go.  I travel solo, and schedule as few gigs as possible.  Then I have time to get into the community, meet people, perform at coffee shops and stuff.  Even got in for a few songs at a bar in Phoenix!  It was bizarre.  Honestly, though, the people loved it!  The guys I was most scared of appreciated it the most, and told me so when I was through!   Hungry for truth I guess.  Shouldn't surprise us.  Anyway, I'm here, and I'm having a great time!  Went sailing on Saturday with Pastor John Kent - cool guy.  Hung out with Jeremiah and Eric the other night in downtown San Diego.  And sang for a huge youth group here in El Cajon just last night.  I'll be in Oceanside now for the next few days, then driving back down for the weekend.  Trying to catch a flight to Minneapolis for a meeting this Sunday, but tickets are steep...

Next week I'll be pulling into the LA area around Tuesday.  

Just wanted to let you know I'm really enjoying technology right now - currently flying at 33,000 feet somewhere over Arizona typing up an e-mail on my laptop that I intend to send through my cell-phone upon arrival at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport in Texas before boarding a plane that will transport me to Minneapolis just hours after leaving San Diego - THOUSANDS of miles away.  I feel like Buck Williams.

Had a good week of trial in California this week - alot of disappointments, alot of rejection. - funny how that's needed sometimes to grow us up.  Learning alot about stuff inside - pride, conceit, timidity, selfish ambition, and the fear of man.  Been reading a little CS Lewis along side all that though, and he's helping me really think about heaven and the reality of chunks of that right here and now.  (What was his full name, by the way?)  I'm reading The Great Divorce, picked up Gulliver's Travels, and The Prince and the Pauper (By Twain) at some local bookstore here in El Cajon.  Got much reading to do.  But I love the learning.  Mostly to the extent that it actually changes my life - otherwise it's just knowledge.  And I've heard knowledge puffs up.

I received applications for our stay in Mexico.  The orphanage requires some authorization before letting anyone stay there.  However, one need not apply in that fashion if staying only for 10 days or less.  And I'm running into a handful of ministry opportunities here in the San Diego area that could keep us busy for alot of June, if we feel ten days in Baja (at the orphanage) would be enough.

I've shared alot of your frustrations in the last year or so.  Dealt with alot of rebellion in my life.  Alot of rejection, and a lot of disappointment.  I've found that one of the biggest barriers between God and I (and our generation) is our mistrust for authority, and how that plays into our relationship with God as our Father, Lord, and King.  I've found that the God of the Bible isn't nearly as neatly ordered as I had once thought Him to be.  Nor is He predictable.  Nor am I as capable as I once thought myself to be - in regards to righteousness and things of the spiritual sort.  I've learned about the depravity of man - namely, of one man - myself, and of the need for ultimate dependence.  What I've understood that to mean is mortifying for our neatly ordered religious life, because it requires extreme vulnerability, AND extreme humility - humility inspired not by mere knowledge, but by experience.  Most often, struggles of the ugliest kind - both of the flesh and of the mind.  Sins of the intellect abound.  Sins of the heart infect even the grandest intentions.  It's this that unnerves the church - that even in ALL MY GOODNESS, I'm still a wretched self-serving illegitimate child.

But God's been beyond good.  And in all my failures, in all my doubts, and in all my disbelief, He has proved faithful.  And He IS restoring me.  I share with the church what I go through - sparing the confessions that lead others into further sin - but openly admitting the heart that is in me, knowing that the human heart is a thing common to all men.  Yes, it frustrates me to sometimes see the blank-faced "what do I do now?" response.  And to see the gloss in their eyes that seems to represent the bewilderment of those who don't really want to believe what they've just heard, but I choose to be human and to be loved by God.  For this is what I am, and before those to whom I minister, this is what I will be.  I cannot tell them how to be - for it is SUCH an issue of the heart (one in which God allows Life to shape, break, and restore) but I can serve as an example.  As lonely as it may be, we can serve as examples.  Humans, (incredibly so) loved by God.  For this is what we are.

See, I'm reading this book right now (probably near 100 pages today) that's encouraging me greatly.  Partly because it gives me the opportunity to step back, and partly because it honestly deals with disappointments.  It's by Philip Yancey.  I'm guessing you've read some of his stuff - maybe even this one - DISAPPOINTMENT WITH GOD.  The whole thing's an age by age review of God's relationship with His people, and the great deal of misunderstanding there's been from our end regarding what He's doing - or more specifically - WHO HE IS. 

Where I am: Just flew back out to San Diego from Minneapolis.  Was there for the weekend, but I've been away from Minnesota since January 3rd.  I released my third album in November, and I've been on tour pretty much nonstop since then.  Aside from being home two weeks for Christmas, I've been driving.  And singing in places like colleges, coffee shops, churches, bars, and youth retreats in states through the Midwest and Southwest.  Yup, bars too.  I look kind of out of place and all (the patrons are typically WAY bigger than me) but they like the stuff.  One long-haired wrinkly man in a leather jacket came up to me once after my set, shook my hand and said, "I like your s*%#."  Hee, hee.  I sing my own stuff, mostly, and I've put a few psalms to tune - they really dig those actually.  Kinda surprised me, but God's doing His thing, I guess.

I'm having fun, and learning BUNCHES!  The solitude's nice, and I love the land!  Always changing, and with time to think.  And grow.  And doubt.  And grow.  And hurt.  And laugh.  And wish.  And grow.  And it seems as much as God becomes a close companion, there's still a degree of mystery about Him.  That's becoming ever more alright with me.  I read another book this weekend by CS Lewis.  "The Great Divorce."  Really made me long for heaven - aching that things aren't already that way - but content knowing one day they will be.  I'm human, and I am loved by God.  That's cool to me.

I've had a discouraging week.  A fair amount of rejection mixed with some rather disappointing glimpses into the depths of who I am.  God's refining me again.  Or He did.  Or He's going to.  In any case, I've felt the fire, and it's so easy to mix a little condemnation in with the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  I almost wonder if I'm not addicted to guilt?  Can one be addicted to something so wrong, something so discomforting? 

Anyway, last night was "Valentines Night" and I rented "The Shadowlands" and watched the whole thing by myself.  REALLY enjoyed it!  Mostly because I felt as though I had just spent an entire day with CS Lewis - having just read one of his "1st person" books - but also due to the depth of character that was portrayed by the movie - both in Lewis and his wife.  CRAZY story!

Will likely hit the road again tomorrow.  I've been stationary for too long.  Pray for me in that, if you will.  I would really love to settle into one area again - as soon as this fall - but I fear I'm becoming too accustomed to the change - to dependent on the edge to keep me alive.  I need a miracle of sorts.

I'm really liking the Yancey book.  It's rather slow reading.  Not because it's complicated, not because it's so deep - it's just detailed.  The first half of the book seems to be setting up the plot.  Like a carpenter framing a house.  Or better yet, a wall guy insulating, bracing, drywalling, mudding, and finishing a wall when all you really care to see is the wallpaper.  Though you know the wallpaper would have no place to be if there wasn't a wall.  So you wait as he does his work.  That's what I'm feeling like with this book.  I'm learning, and I love it.  Especially when it's dealing with disappointment.

I miss you too.  I miss Morris.  I miss Minnesota.  But I'm in California - who am I to complain?  (Though it is cool and rainy today - might dampen plans to go to Huntington beach tonight for the sunset.)  I did Disney yesterday.  Kinda fun.  But I've been in such a way-deep thought mode lately that it's difficult to really let loose and enjoy all the things that are meant to be so entertaining out here!  There's soo much!  But in all honesty, I can't wait to settle into the Midwest again.  I'm spreading myself too thin - trying to cover too much area too soon - and beyond that, the good stuff ISN'T always elsewhere.  And even if it was, no matter how much I drive, I'd never be elsewhere.  Ah, the lure of greener grass...

So you're 21.  I'm guessing you may have your night planned already.  Know what I did for my 21st birthday?  I was home in Roseau that summer, and my parents took me to a resort on Lake of the Woods.  Rocky Point, they called it.  Mia and Patrick were with, as well as one of my cousins and two sets of aunts & uncles.  I had prime rib and shrimp.  Tried a glass of wine, and didn't like it.  Things change.  It was a nice night.  The sun set over the lake at roughly 8:30, and there was no wave or ripple to be seen.  The water was glass.  The air was hot.  And the rocky pier made a good perch from which to watch the sunset.  I remember thinking what a nonevent it was that I was spending my 21st birthday with my parents only 45 minutes from home.  There were no fireworks.  No crazy friends.  No free drinks.  Just me and my family on the Canadian border in the middle of summer.  Know what?  That memory is so priceless to me now.  I can't say exactly what it was either.  It's just that the rest of life seems so different.  I did Disney yesterday.  Watched the fireworks, ate great, rode Space Mountain.  Did all the things that are supposed to be so fun - but it seems all so empty.  That night with my family - as unfun as it may have seemed at the time - will last longer in my head than anything I've done on this trip so far.

Thus my musings on life & travels.

I'm planning on moving back into the Twin Cities this Fall.  At least for a few months, I'm going to major on the opportunities there to do my thing, both in the secular market and in the churches.  The travelling's a blast, but I think it'd be good for me to sit in one place for a while.  Ministry takes on a new dimension when it's localized - a little more enduring, perhaps.

Watched the sunset tonight from Sunset Beach.  It was kinda cloudy, but cool nonetheless.  The most fun was getting as close to the surf as I could without getting wet - a fun little game - the birds played to.

Truth is, it was warmer in Minneapolis yesterday than it was out here!

California High:  48*

Minneapolis High:  52*

How's that for irony?

I did arrive in Eureka safely tonight.  The drive was rather uneventful and dreary.  I saw the Golden Gate bridge - as I was on it - but didn't bother to stop for pictures or anything.  (Took some while I was driving.)  I breezed by the Avenue of the Giants as well - unable to stop due to the late departure in Santa Cruz.  So the glory in the drive will have to wait for next time - there will be a next time. 

It's been a good trip.  I've learned lots, and am now in the process of learning how unimportant everything I've learned is.  (Kinda like graduating from college.)   God woke me this morning with the thought of knowing what I know not being nearly as powerful as my willingness to know nothing and simply be available and obedient - so in tune with God's movements, his heart and his Spirit, that I just follow - not letting my intellect (which strangely has the ability to establish a will of it's own) get in the way by boasting of its wealth of knowledge.

God reminded me why I am.  I am His.  I am, because I am His.  I was blessed by the hunger I saw in a room of seventh-grade girls to know God and to understand Him and His ways.  I was blessed by the means God used to provide some understanding - me.  I was shamed by my impatience with them, and equally humbled by God's unrelenting passion for their souls.  Seek first the Kingdom... good stuff.  

Morning-After Pills?  Um, wrong.  That's my initial reaction.  The life has begun.  The frame has been made - in secret - but made nonetheless.  It is crazy, though, how we can justify nearly anything when we need.  It scares me, too, that we can know so much, and still go and do what we do.  It's not an issue of knowledge, or even morality anymore.  It's about the fear of God.  We don't fear Him.  That's the deal.  I pray for that fear, cause I know I'm just as frail.  Just as weak.

Faith is needed only where sight is insufficient.  And isn't faith what He wants in us all?  “Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must come believing that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”  H11.6

I spent another day in Astoria.  Discovered last night that a friend of mine from years back was in jail.  Went to see him today, and then hooked up with another friend of his who unknowingly led me to a man (a neighbor) who was dying of cancer.  He had nearly died in surgery weeks before, and was very confident his trip to heaven was deserved, earned, or worked-out by his good deeds already.  I visited in the cold with him for over an hour.  Shared with him gently, yet there were no prayers prayed.  No resolutions made.  Just a constant grind that this man had nearly gone to hell, was spared his life for a time, and had not yet seen fit (and didn't appear ready) to yield his life to the Lord.  It was indeed a busy day - a unique day - in life and ministry.  God guides us with our feet it seems - not always with our minds.  I'm seeing this more and more.  And I'm reminded of a time when days like today would've made me feel better about myself, that I had done something good for the Kingdom, that I had filled my quota for witnessing opportunities, and I would go home thinking I had really made a difference in somebody's life.  Not so today.  Instead, there's a deeper concern (a gut-ache, if you will) for the lives that are so carelessly finding their way to hell, and my inability to change their minds or (more importantly) change their hearts.  Know what?  For this I am grateful.  I cannot place confidence in any other than Jesus and His promise to work through His Spirit.  Not my words, not my reputation, not my talents, not any trace charisma, not even what I can muster up of love (as frail and as human as it is).  Only His Spirit using whatever He sees fit - and most often, escaping my notice.  For this I am grateful.

Tomorrow I rise early to venture on to the Columbia River with a local fisherman.  I shall see nets thrown from the boat right before my eyes - like they were in Jesus' day.  I'm excited about this.  Then I'll drive to Olympia for an evening with a college group from the LB church, and a Wednesday night youth group before driving into Seattle for the following week of busy-ness. 

I sincerely appreciate real prayer.  I find alot of people on the road who close conversations with "you're in my prayers" quite regularly.  What I'm guessing, though, is that if they're anything like me, they'll likely forget about their promise by the time they finish running through their own list of petitions before God.  That's okay though.  I just really appreciate it when someone's seriously praying.  So...

My hugest and most persistent request is that I would be His.  That He would make me into the man He wants me to be, and that I would be His.  That'd I'd be willing to change and be changed, and that I would be His.  That I would learn to be faithful, generous, sincere, truthful, honorable, obedient, and that I would be His.  But mostly, that I would be His.

I'm in Tacoma right now.  Kicking back in a softee at a Borders superstore.  Watching the sun set - in the East.  In the clouds, that is – right over Rainier.  But it is sunny here - a welcome change from the constant cloud cover that followed me all the way through Cali.  Remind me to tell you about the Redwood beach the next time we talk.

Got a brand-new prayer request.  By a crazy string of circumstances (of which I would love to delve into but haven't the time), I am being considered by Embassy Music of Nashville as one of their top ten finalists for this year's record deal.  If I'm chosen, I'm not exactly sure what would happen, except that I'd come out of Nashville with a Nashville-produced album and some ins in the industry, but it could be more.  Not sure.  Only know it's been a struggle this week to stay in the here & now.

I love what I'm doing.  Kinda like a fish in water - it doesn't really take thought of the water, it just is.  Since I started this deal full-time last June, it hasn't occurred to me to do anything else.  It just works.  It just fits.  And it's so fun!  The adventure - the unfolding of each new day - keeps me fresh and focused.  Though not always.  I face the struggles, too.  But God's changing me out here - always is - and every now and then I'm blessed to see the difference between what was and what is.  He's good.  He knows what's going on.

I'm excited to come back to the Cities.  I'll only be there for 15 days or so in May - just enough to hook up with Tom, find a van, record an album, and get back on the road again.  The summer will be good.  Tom and I will be spending most of June in Mexico, and I'm quite excited about our time together.  Musically, spiritually, and in regards to friendship - it's been a while since I've had such regular contact with anyone on a daily basis for much longer than a week.  It's gonna be good.  I've been missing Bloomington from time to time lately, but everytime I think of it, it's summer there.  In my head anyway.  Montana's nice.  Big mountains with gobs of snow on top, and a warm valley with green grass and people who carry guns.  I like that 

Beyond that, I've really enjoyed the new stuff God's been doing in me lately.  Makes me want to talk about it less and just see it be real.  He's good.  Answers prayer a bunch, too.  Thing is, after He's answered a prayer very directly, I notice I stop praying for awhile - as if I think I've met my quota or received my ration for the month.  That's gotta change.  I need that time with Him.  It's just so good.

Want to tell you about a run-in with some psychics in Tacoma, a drunk philosopher in Missoula, and the sunsets in Idaho.

I unpacked my car yesterday.

Over three months on the road behind me, and months of the same ahead, I pulled into Morris, Minnesota mid-month to enjoy some downtime with friends and family before heading home for Easter.  My car’s lighter now, and so is my spirit.  It was a good trip.

I left Minnesota on January 4^th bound for the coasts of California.  95 days later I drove back across the Minnesota state-line a richer person.  Yeah, I sold a few cds, but it’s not that - it’s the lessons.  It’s another 3 months of life behind me leaving me with a book-full of memories and a heart-full of change.

I was given opportunity along the way for roughly 50 performances in 10 states.  I sang for coffee shops, college campuses, youth groups, high schools, and churches throughout the western half of our country.  I saw sunsets.  I saw the desert, the canyons, the mountains, and the sea. 

I saw the hand of God prepare the way, and I shared with those I could the riches of God’s Kingdom.  I saw how the fields are ripe – how those aching for the truth embrace Jesus without much more than a gentle invitation.  And I saw how those who prefer to make their own gods cannot be won even with the truest arguments one can offer.

The stories I have are many.  The lessons - even more.  But words don’t define lessons, our lives do.  So I won’t attempt to explain all the good gifts I found along the way, for fear that if I do, I’d be less likely to live them out in my life.  I desire to be changed.

Figuratively speaking, one can go up to the mountain and be blessed by the visions.  Bible camps, retreats, conferences, and other spiritual “get-aways” give us a clearer picture of life, and we return to the valley- floor with a head-full of lessons we pray would be real and lasting.

Our greatest fear (and mine as I finish my first tour) is that we’ll come down from the mountain unchanged.  That we’ll somehow forget about the reality of that vision and settle into the valley – comfortable with the breathable air, the routine of life, and the easy walking… and never take thought of setting out on the next journey.

The adventure continues.

I seek to remember that God always has more.  His riches are inexhaustible.  His glories are unfathomable.  His truths are wild and not easily tamed.  To continue in the unchanging God who is everything and more, is to continue in an adventure that contains every blessing the Giver of good gifts has to offer. 

Whether it be cruising the backroads of North Dakota in a Chevy Beretta, or living life in the same home you’ve had since you were three, I pray Easter might renew in each of us the sense of adventure and wonder the empty tomb conveys.

We serve a living God.

The adventure is not in how He guides us.  The adventure is God, Himself.